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The Incubation Period of Love

Zadan Zarik
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The Incubation Period of Love

Reflecting on our journey, I realize that we’ve grown strong enough to handle each other’s physical presence in a world where digital connections dominate. We’ve learned to cherish the process of building a relationship, understanding that true love unfolds in stages, not weeks.

In today’s fast-paced digital landscape, connections are often reduced to a formulaic sequence: connect digitally, share intimate moments, engage in physical intimacy, break up, mourn, heal, and repeat. But genuine love demands patience, effort, and time to mature.

You wisely pointed out that love has 12 stages, each requiring time to process and nurture emotions. Like building a muscular body, enduring the physical presence of someone you love takes effort, pain, and time. I call this the incubation period of love or emotions – a crucial phase where emotions strengthen and become resilient.

I’ve coined the term “Cabbage effect” to describe the way women who know their worth open up gradually, like the layers of a cabbage. It takes time and effort to unwrap their complexity, making them all the more captivating and endearing.

In our journey, we’ve learned to embrace the processes of love, healing, and growth. We’ve come to understand that true connection requires time, patience, and dedication. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

The Damages of an Imposter Husband

Zadan Zarik
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The Damages of an Imposter Husband

The phenomenon of men lying about their first wives’ mistreatment to justify remarrying while keeping the first wife is a disturbing trend that warrants examination. This tactic not only deceives the new partner but also perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes and victim-blaming.

When a man portrays his first wife as a villain, the new partner often sympathizes with his fabricated narrative, unaware of the truth. This naivety stems from societal conditioning that encourages women to prioritize emotional labor and empathy over critical thinking. The new partner may feel flattered by the attention and validation from the man, overlooking red flags and ignoring her own intuition.

Meanwhile, the first wife is left to suffer in silence, her reputation tarnished by false accusations. She may be struggling to cope with the emotional fallout of a failing marriage, only to be further victimized by her husband’s deceit.

The reasons behind this behavior are complex, but they often stem from a desire to maintain power and control. By demonizing the first wife, the man can justify his desire for a new partner while avoiding accountability for his own actions. This toxic behavior is enabled by societal norms that condone men’s infidelity and blame women for marital issues.

It’s crucial to recognize that this pattern rarely works in reverse; women are often held to higher standards of accountability and empathy, while men are granted leniency and understanding. This double standard perpetuates gender inequality and reinforces harmful gender roles.

To break this cycle, we must encourage critical thinking, empathy, and open communication. Women must prioritize their own agency and intuition, rather than blindly accepting men’s narratives. We must also hold men accountable for their actions and challenge societal norms that enable their toxic behavior.

Ultimately, we must recognize that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and honesty – not deception, manipulation, and victim-blaming. By promoting these values, we can create a more equitable and just society for all.

Slow Good Bye to you and Welcome Back to my Self

Zadan Zarik
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Slow Good Bye to you and Welcome Back to my Self

We met at a crossroads, and for a while, it felt okay. But somewhere along the way, things shifted. My hidden flaws surfaced, and what once felt good turned unhealthy.

I’m not a bad person, but kindness isn’t enough in a relationship. We’ve both aged, carrying the weight of our experiences. We’re not broken, but our set ways make us incompatible.There’s no point in blame. Life led us here, and it’s time to forgive ourselves for getting tangled in unhealthy waters.Letting go is hard. I admit, I got used to you. Talking every day became a habit, and breaking it takes time. The constant email and Facebook checks are slowly decreasing, a testament to the fading attachment.We both know this needs to happen, even if it feels like jumping off a moving train. The fear of loneliness and the gaping hole left behind are real. But filling that void with a quick rebound isn’t the answer.Moving on doesn’t mean betraying the past. It means prioritizing our long-term well-being. We may need to take things slow, gradually reducing contact to break the connection. It’s okay. Life finds a way to fill the spaces we leave behind.This is about growth, not blame. It’s about accepting that sometimes, good people don’t make good partners, and that’s okay.But through it all, there’s one person I can’t let go of – myself.You will be okay again, self. I promise you that.I know how hard you’ve been trying to survive lately. There are times you badly want to give up, but you still try your best to keep going. The pain in your chest is tremendous, yet you still hope for it to finally heal. The sadness that you feel every day keeps suffocating you until you feel so tired of everything, but you still try to tell yourself that everything will be okay one day. You’ve been crying every night, wishing for your suffering to end. You’ve been sobbing inconsolably on your bed, as if no one can ever help or understand you. You are completely miserable right now, and I know that you still try to hide it.I want you to know that I will do everything I can to make you feel okay someday. I promise not to give up on you, even though most people have given up on you already. I will love you more on the days that you are in pain, and I will try to make you feel better when you’re sad.My dearest self, I cannot promise you that everything will be okay today, but I promise that I will not give up on you until you finally heal from everything that you are going through right now. I will always remind you to be strong, even when you’re alone, broken, or lost. I will give you reasons not to lose hope, and I will give you courage to fight no matter how weak your heart is.I promise you, my love, that no matter how hard it is, you will survive all your battles in life. This may be the end of a relationship, but it’s the beginning of a journey of self-discovery and healing. You are strong, you are resilient, and you are worthy of love and happiness. And most importantly, you have yourself by your side every step of the way.

Needs, an Elastic Rubber Band?

Zadan Zarik
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Needs, an Elastic Rubber Band?

“In the pursuit of excess beyond necessity, I fear losing my true self.”

(Zadan Zarik)

Consumerism that extends beyond basic requirements, in my personal view, is a byproduct of capitalism. I perceive needs as akin to an elastic rubber band: initially possessing a specific length when unstretched, representing our fundamental requirements such as shelter, food, clothing, and transportation.

Subsequently, there’s the stretching phase, signifying the transition from the unstretched state to an increasingly extended length, mirroring the escalation in consumption from minimal sustenance, modest living spaces, compact vehicles, and basic attire to slightly improved versions thereof. This progression persists as we continually endeavor to accumulate more resources, expanding the length of our metaphorical rubber band, all while still labeling these acquisitions as needs. 

Needs vary from individual to individual, yet when compared, they differ significantly even among those within the same socioeconomic stratum. In my opinion, what one person deems as essential for protection from the elements, another may view as a means of projecting social status. Both regard these acquisitions as necessities, though what one perceives as luxuries, the other considers basic needs. This discrepancy extends further. 

There is no inherent issue with consumption until it results in the grossly unequal distribution of wealth among the populace. The unstretched rubber band, representing necessities, (the definition of basics is almost similar across global cultures) should be accessible to every human being. The problem is exacerbated when acquiring higher-tier needs comes at the expense of depriving others of their necessities.

For instance, the consumption habits of affluent regions like America and Europe often come at the cost of regions like Africa and Asia. This serves merely as an illustration; the intricacies of how and why this occurs are not the focus here. An exponential collective effort towards lowering consumption may yield space of resources for the underprivileged, at least the unstretched rubber band.  At the very least, every individual should have access to the unstretched rubber band of necessities.

Defining these fundamental needs should be a global social endeavor. Clothing, food, shelter, and transportation are universal basics, while other amenities may vary across cultures.  In the fierce pursuit of stretching our metaphorical rubber bands to their maximum extent, I believe we have lost sight of our shared humanity.  From the Elastic limits of rubber to plastic limits and brittleness of the socioeconomic system e.g. highly developed economies.

This assertion holds as this pursuit consumes our time, energy, and efforts, leading to an internal crisis of identity. Even those we perceive as enlightened individuals, who have cultivated their inner consciousness, often find themselves succumbing to advanced forms of consumption that elude the grasp of ordinary minds.  Hence, the definitions, acquisitions, and justifications of needs and luxuries remain susceptible to variability and interpretation. Suppose each individual adheres to the concept of the unstretched Rubber Band or stretches it slightly without jeopardizing the basics of others, as well as considering the global nature, climate, and environment. In that case, I speculate that society as a whole might progress toward a utopian ideal, albeit perhaps not in absolute terms, but at least to some degree.

Counter narrative with analytics as well as critical reasoning welcoming.

Always love people from a safe distance, protect yourself

Zadan Zarik
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Always love people from a safe distance, protect yourself

It is crucial for our well-being to love certain people from a distance. This means that we love them without harboring any ill intentions. Our feelings toward them are always positive, yet by distance, I mean we should maintain a certain level of separation in terms of connection, availability, and access to the realms of our mind, soul, and heart. These are the individuals who create chaos due to their unsolvable issues, generated out of an inability to handle them and the fabrication of demons through fear and self-made assumptions.

Failing to do so results in making our lives miserable, especially when emotional imbalance takes control of our minds.

The initial challenge is that we often do not understand our preferences and inherent inclinations. This implies the types of likes and dislikes encoded in our DNA. I believe that our affinity towards something, a place, or a person is predetermined in our genetic makeup. We cannot force its development, regardless of the emotional pressures imposed on us. We cannot dislike what we naturally like, and we cannot like something that goes against our innate code. Here, I will conclude.

This is why we have diverse likes. We are drawn to numerous people, places, and things, which can be of the same or different types. We do not like everything, every place, or every person.

The same holds true for others, as they are born with distinct preferences. Each person will have different tastes and parameters to establish standards of likes and dislikes. Though overlaps may occur at times, creating unions, it is not possible for an absolute 100% match. There will always be 1% differences among two human beings.

Returning to the concept of loving at a distance, we must define and understand the parameters upon which our standards are based. Subsequently, we can identify the likeness of people and things. Let us be numerical and state that if something overlaps with us by any percentage above 50%, it is acceptable. This is how we can maintain personal space and keep people in different spheres around us.

After defining this, we must seek love deliberately. Love does not happen automatically. We often confuse our likeness, with an overlap of more than 50%, with love. However, true love is never automatic. If it were love rather than mere likeness, we would never feel comfortable once it is gone.

Love is always an investment of emotions, time, energy, positive sentiments, and various other factors. We never love something we dislike, but we can love something that aligns with our parameters of maximum likeness. Many people do not empirically define this, leading them to perceive it as an automatic process. However, behind the scenes, everything is numerically calculated. Our lack of awareness does not negate this fact. Likeness and emotional investment are interlinked; we invest and continue to invest until it grows beyond a point of no return.

If detachment occurs, we experience sadness and a broken heart. The love-based investment goes to waste, resulting in emotional loss that we regret and feel pain over. The lower the investment, the lower the pain of regret and loss.

I will now connect likeness and a broken heart. Even after our heart breaks, we cannot hate people, things, and places. The intrinsic and innate likeness encoded in our DNA cannot be destroyed, just as the DNA itself cannot be destroyed.

Numerically speaking, maintaining personal space becomes essential, and a threshold of 50% likeness serves as a practical guideline. This percentage reflects an acceptable overlap for coexistence without compromising individual well-being. Moreover, the inherent diversity in human preferences ensures that a perfect 100% match is unattainable, leaving room for at least 1% differences between individuals.

In the realm of emotions, the concept of deliberate love underscores the numerical precision involved. Love, being an investment, operates on a calculated basis. Likeness, surpassing the 50% threshold, often leads to confusion between mere affinity and genuine love. The awareness of this numerical aspect highlights the need for conscious efforts in seeking and sustaining love.

The emotional consequences of detachment are also subject to a numerical evaluation. The degree of emotional investment directly correlates with the intensity of sadness and heartbreak. Lower investments result in proportionally reduced pain of regret and loss. This numerical perspective sheds light on the intricacies of human emotions and relationships, emphasizing the quantitative aspects often overlooked in matters of the heart.

The war of narratives and lowest insights based on lack of awareness

Zadan Zarik
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0
The war of narratives and lowest insights based on lack of awareness

Currently, I am silently contemplating the greater good. How the world has been designed… The war has erupted – a war of narrative and counter-narrative. Each human being is pushing others to agree with their version instead of returning to the roots of good and bad, good and evil. When we ask them, they say, “Define good. What is good and what is evil?” How you define good is not considered good, leading to another war of narratives. So, I was thinking that it was a multi-layered war, one river of fire after another. 

A war never to be concluded.

She was also right regarding how society perceives poverty, color, personality, and personal character of individuals. For instance, being overweight, divorced, or belonging to the middle class is seen as a flaw, regardless of the beauty within, upbringing, degrees, and efforts. She, an actress, highlighted this perspective. If I translate for you, I’d say that in elite circles with fame, like models, possessing wealth, cars, or power, nobody considers factors like body weight or divorce as a stain. Just as society does not dislike divorced models, overweight models, or wealthy anchors and stars.

You are also correct in taking things on their merits, which society often overlooks. You rightly argue that society should consider people beyond the materialistic world.

This is what’s happening inside my mind; the war of narratives has left people like me, who think deeply, confused. Goodness and virtues have been pushed behind curtains or made blurred and cloudy. It has become challenging to filter and segregate real goodness that is acceptable to us, the society. After all, we are the units of society, its tiny parts.

Amid society’s confused state of mind, there is a need for a concrete scale that can distinguish goodness from slurry. I believe this. There has always been a need for a standardized scale or filter. This filter should be impervious to tampering, and nobody should be able to pollute it. Without such a scale to measure goodness and merits, there is no solution to anything. If this scale is susceptible to tampering, it is not trustworthy enough because someone will manipulate it, rendering it dysfunctional. This scale needs to be identified.

The entire justice system and politico-economic social structure should embark on a treasure hunt to discover what is acceptable to society as the standard of measurement. It should be flawless, protected from any tampering, fixed, and capable of serving as the scale for merits and demerits, good and bad. I believe we need to discover this scale based on these principles. Once found, we must use it to measure each narrative, or else we will remain in perpetual confusion. This confusion will cripple us and has already proven devastating to global society, which is now on the brink of collapse.

Tall Claims of Shallow Love, where do we stand in our confessions

Zadan Zarik
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Tall Claims of Shallow Love, where do we stand in our confessions

People make tall claims in times of peace, but when adversity strikes, their love undergoes trials, and they often fail to uphold their values and assertions—a shallow love.

What they forget is that love is always tested, and these trials can be harsh and demanding. Withstanding the storms is not a mere child’s play.

Rather than stating, “That is not the case; your wish is my command,” and expressing a willingness to adjust your ideologies and life accordingly, choosing to live without the burden of a job and raising kids as my love desires, you propose a pessimistic notion.

The height and depth of your shallow words, “I love you,” have been revealed. Please refrain from making such claims or confessions in the future. I strongly dislike it. It is evident that when faced with adversity in the future, you are likely to respond with this negativity, instead of adopting a mature approach to address and resolve the issue. This was unexpected. Your whole day’s quarrel was the exact opposite of what you used to state in the name of love. It has shown how daring you are to submit yourself to love. I wrote some time ago that as soon as a woman crosses the age of 25-27, she learns to adopt so many roles. She becomes mature. She learns when to act and how. This act of yours is just a testing of this and approval of my theoretical framework in this regard.

If I were in your position and my beloved had spoken similarly, I would have willingly forsaken everything for him. Submission implies absolute surrender, a total commitment. Where has this submission gone? Where is the “Your wish is my command” mentality? It seems to be a shallow declaration of love and nothing more. How disheartening.

True submission leaves no room for doubts or questions. If doubts persist, the submission was insincere, merely a momentary claim. It was not wholeheartedly accepted. True submission is characterized by a heart that follows the act, leaving no room for questions. The words of a beloved become the final verdict, a command without a hint of hesitation. To die for the beloved, to annihilate oneself in the beloved—this is the essence of true submission.

We should retract our claims and only confess when we are truly ready to submit. Love goes beyond mere words; it is as challenging as ABC when walking the path of love, requiring sacrifices and even bloodshed. Love is relentless and requires a lifelong commitment, overshadowing personal wishes and desires. The wishes and desires of the beloved become paramount. If any personal desires persist, the love has not fully matured and remains fragile. Claims should only be made when love has reached a stage of growth.

Keynotes from the book “Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets” by Andy Stanley

Zadan Zarik
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“Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets” by Andy Stanley serves as a practical and insightful guide for anyone seeking to make wise decisions that align with their values and long-term goals. Stanley introduces five pivotal questions designed to shape thoughtful decision-making, whether faced with significant life choices or smaller, everyday decisions. The first, the Integrity Question, challenges readers to honestly assess internal rationalizations, ensuring choices align genuinely with their principles. It promotes self-reflection and authenticity throughout the decision-making process. The Legacy Question encourages a shift in perspective from immediate outcomes to the long-term narrative of one’s life. Readers are prompted to consider how each decision contributes to the overall story they wish to tell about their character and choices.

The Conscience Question addresses internal discomfort or unease, acting as a guide to acknowledge and explore potential red flags signaling negative consequences. The Maturity Question urges individuals to transcend impulses and short-term gratification, fostering thoughtful, responsible decision-making based on wisdom and foresight. The Relationship Question, specifically focused on decisions impacting relationships, prompts individuals to prioritize love, understanding, and compassion when making choices that affect others. It encourages a consideration of the impact on the health and well-being of relationships.

By incorporating these questions into the decision-making process, Stanley argues for several positive outcomes. This approach enhances self-awareness, fostering more authentic choices. It reduces the likelihood of impulsive decisions and subsequent regrets. Furthermore, it aligns individual choices with their core values and long-term goals. Ultimately, the book encourages the development of healthier and more fulfilling relationships by emphasizing the importance of thoughtful decision-making. Stanley’s guide serves as a valuable resource for those seeking to navigate life’s decisions with purpose, integrity, and a focus on long-term fulfillment.

10 Lessons from book “Good Vibes, Good Life” by Vex King

Zadan Zarik
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1. Self-Love Isn’t Indulgence, It’s Revolution: We often confuse treating ourselves well with selfishness. King shows us that self-love is the foundation, the act of choosing ourselves worthy, flaws and all. It’s the armor that deflects negativity and empowers us to shine.

2. Your Thoughts Aren’t Tenants, They’re Visitors: Do you rent space in your mind to self-doubt and negativity? King teaches us to be mindful bouncers, politely showing these toxic visitors the door. Replace them with empowering thoughts, and watch your reality transform.

3. Words Hold Power, Use Them Wisely: We are what we speak. King encourages us to ditch the self-deprecating chatter and speak affirmations, not limitations. Every positive word is a brushstroke painting the masterpiece of your life.

4. Hurt Doesn’t Have to Harden You: Life throws punches, but we don’t have to become punching bags. King shows us how to heal from past hurts, releasing the baggage that weighs us down and opening ourselves to authentic joy.

5. Gratitude Isn’t a Checklist, It’s a Celebration: We often focus on what’s missing. King teaches us the magic of gratitude, not as a chore, but as a way to appreciate the little things, amplifying the good already present.

6. Forgiveness Isn’t for Them, It’s for You: Holding onto grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. King empowers us to forgive, not for their sake, but to release ourselves from the shackles of resentment.

7. Comparison Kills Joy, Celebrate Uniqueness: Scrolling through lives seemingly “better” is a recipe for misery. King reminds us that everyone’s journey is unique, and our true potential lies in embracing our authentic selves.

8. The Universe Responds to Your Vibration: What you put out comes back. King teaches us to cultivate positive energy, and watch as opportunities unfold, synchronicities align, and life starts humming a happier tune.

9. Intuition Whispers, Don’t Ignore Its Roar: We often silence our inner voice. King encourages us to listen to our intuition, the quiet wisdom that guides us towards our true path.

10. You Are Enough, Right Now: This is the most powerful lesson. We spend so much time chasing “enough” that we forget we already are. King reminds us that our worth isn’t based on achievements, but on the simple truth: we are worthy, just as we are.

If you’re ready to turn down the hum and crank up the good vibes, then “Good Vibes, Good Life” is your invitation to the dance floor.

Empowering Lessons from “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” by Lysa Terkeurst

Zadan Zarik
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“Empowering Lessons from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes” is a transformative book by Lysa TerKeurst, renowned for her #1 New York Times bestselling works like Unglued and Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. As I delved into the pages of this life-changing book, I unearthed seven profound lessons that I’m eager to share with you:

  1. Boundaries are not selfish; they are godly. Love isn’t about losing oneself. God designed us with dignity, worth, and purpose, expecting us to respect and protect those gifts. Boundaries, far from being isolating walls, are protective fences. They don’t hinder love; instead, they act as bridges to love.
  2. Boundaries are not one-size-fits-all; they are customized. Recognizing that different relationships and situations demand varying levels of boundaries is crucial. Consider factors like the nature of the relationship, trust, safety, responsibility, and growth potential. Flexibility and adaptability are key, coupled with firmness and consistency.
  3. Boundaries are not easy; they are hard. Setting boundaries can be an uphill battle, especially when faced with resistance, criticism, or guilt. The challenges are real, but the rewards—preserving peace, joy, and sanity—are worth it. Seeking guidance and strength from God becomes essential in this process.
  4. Boundaries are not enough; they are not everything. While boundaries are necessary, they aren’t the ultimate goal. They are a means to an end, a tool in the toolbox of healthy relationships. Balancing boundaries with communication, compassion, and compromise is crucial for overall relationship well-being.
  5. Goodbyes are not always bad; they are sometimes good. Recognizing when a relationship is no longer healthy, helpful, or hopeful is crucial. Saying goodbye can be painful, but it can also be liberating—a courageous and wise act of love. It signifies a necessary loss for a greater gain.
  6. Goodbyes are not final; they are transitional. Saying goodbye doesn’t mean closing doors forever. It’s about leaving room for God to work in His time and way. It’s not the end of the story but the beginning of a new chapter, marked by growth and transformation.
  7. Goodbyes are not lonely; they are communal. Parting ways doesn’t equate to isolation. Instead, it means being surrounded by a community of people who love, support, and understand us. It’s a connection to a larger community of faith, hope, and love, ensuring we’re embraced by God’s unwavering presence.

These seven lessons, gleaned from “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes,” are not just insights but invitations to embark on a journey of loving others without losing the essence of who you are. I hope these lessons inspire you to pick up this book and explore its transformative wisdom.

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